Saturday, February 10, 2007

Absence of My Heart



i didnt realize how much i would miss him
its not desperation
its not infatuation
its not moping around at home till he comes back
its just a normal kind of 'miss'
one that i've never experienced before
I cant describe it, but i do feel it.
i miss having my man by my side
its feels strange to lay in bed without him next to me
its strange watching t.v. without him.
i constantly feel his prescence on my right
but when i turn to look up at his face, he's not there
and i begin to miss him.
i know being apart is good
it makes you closer
and strengthens your bond
it gives you the chance to miss him.
so i wait my dear,
i wait for monday to come quickly
so that once again i can hug and kiss you
so that once again i can lay in bed and look up at your face
and so that once again i can have you and feel you by my side

Friday, January 26, 2007

Masked

Everyday I wear a mask
Hiding my every thought
No one knows my true identity
They only know what I am not
All anyone ever sees
Is a brain and an average face
But no one sees the true things
That make my very heart race
No one sees the dreadful pain
That I have suffered through
And no one hears the awful screams
That gnaws at everything true
I must break the fragile white mask
So that I am not hiding anymore
I must let go of my insecurity
So I can be free once more

by Stacey de Luna

Innocent Questions

It seems to me like I can't talk to him or ask him about certain things anymore. He always thinks that Im complaining or accusing him of something. Im really not. Sometimes I am but the majority of the time, it's completely innocent and I have no agenda behind it. It just comes up in conversation and I become curious and so I ask. But that's it, nothing more. In a way it is my fault that he feels that way because, I did that alot in the beginning and I did always think there was something more going on. Yes, I do have some insecurities, who doesnt? But when I do have a question that has to do with an insecurity, I specificly let him know. But the rest of the time it's just something that comes up and I get curious so I ask just to know how he feels about something or how he is about some things. I'm not looking to make a conversation out of it, just a simple and clear answer and thats it. My nature has always been very curious, very nosy. I like to know everything. I like to ask alot of questions. I don't know why, it's just who I am, and most of the time I don't see any harm in it.
But know I feel like I need to start being more careful about certain things I talk about or bring up. I have to be more careful about what questions I may want to ask. I don't want to be upsetting him. But I also want him to understand that they are just silly questions that don't mean anything.
I wanna make him happy and I don't want to loose him over something silly and frivolous. But at the same time my quirks make me who I am. In order to have a balance what things should I give up and more importantly how much?
I don't really know what I should do. He's not only my significant other but also my best friend and confidant. My girlfriends live in another state. I don't really have anyone out here except for him, if I can't talk to him about certain things, who else can I talk to?
I love him, I love him to death. I just want to try to make him as happy as I can. I want him to be happy with me. I want to be good enough for him, and sometimes I don't feel like I am. He doesn't make me feel that way, I just feel like I'm not good enough. Like there is someone out there that is so much better for him. But I know how he feels. I know he feels that I'm the best thing. And honestly that helps a little.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Temas Necesarios Para Mantener Mi Cordura

Bueno voy a tratar de escribir un post en espanol. Pero no se que bien escrito va estar. No puedo garantizar nada.

Comenze el ano nuevo con la gente mas importante en mi vida, o sea mis mejores amigas y mi novio. Tambien vi a mi prima que no la habia visto en seis anos. Entre el ano nuevo alegre y en buena salud pero sin dinero. Pero no me puedo quejar.

Ahora para comenzar otro tema. Tengo una cosa en la cabeza que me sigue molestando. No querio seguir jodiendo pero siento que es necesario sacarme esta duda de mi cabeza. Porque si no me pongo mas loca de lo que ya estoy. Yo lo amo, y se lo digo siempre. El es mas de acciones que de palabras. Y eso esta bien, porque es mas facil hablar que hacer. El dice que si me ama, pero, como que no le creo mucho. Primero, cuando le digo esas palabras el como que se rie y dice si, pero nada mas. Entonces claro que yo me siento idiota por haberle dicho que lo amo. Segundo, cuando le digo que me diga que me ama, lo dice pero como que he doesn't mean it. Aunque el insiste que si. Pero me da mucha duda. Entonces este es mi punto. Yo no mas quiero saber si el verdaderamente me ama, o lo dice por decir. Yo se que el no es asi, pero tal vez este caso es asi. Si el no me ama, esta bien. No voy a decir que no va a doler, claro que si. Pero no voy a dejar de quererlo por eso. Y no me voy a enojar tampoco. Yo solo quiero saber la verdad. Quiero que sea honesto conmigo, sea lo que sea, pase lo que pase.
No es que quiero que se ponga incomodo, o se sienta mal, es que necesito saber para mantener la cordura. Asi puedo dejar esa duda por ultima vez y seguir adelante. Tampoco estoy diciendo que necesito que me este diciendo que me ama a cada rato, porque you se que el no es asi, y no tengo poblema con eso. La unica cosa que quiero saber es que si me ama o que no.
Tambien hay otra cosa pero no es nada de importancia, solo de curiosidad. Si de verdad el me ama, quiere eso decir que yo soy la primera que el a amado, o me ama del mismo modo que el amo a su otras dos novias, o me ama mas? El tiene otra idea de como es el amor. Entonces mi pregunta es, de que forma es que el me ama? (si es verdad que me ama).

Finalmente, hay una cosa que tengo que mencionar. Es una cosa que me pone de un pelo!! Cuando you hago una pregunta, por ejemplo, "cuales son unas de las cosas que tengo mal?", y el me dice, "solo cosas" o simplemente no me contesta. Si no es miedo que tiene, entonces que me diga, don't avoid the question, PLEASE!! Eso fue algo de anoche, pero no solo fue anoche. Han abido otras ocasiones cuando el se ha portado de esa misma manera. Si el me pregunta algo, yo se lo digo. Im not going to avoid the question. Pero no quiero decir que lo voy a dejar de querer, yo lo acepto y lo quiero de la manera que es.

Bueno, ya exprese unos temas, que yo necesitaba expresar. Ahorra a ver que pasa. No se si se va a ser dificil de entender. No se si deletrea todo mal. Pero por lo menos hice el esfuerzo.

Monday, January 01, 2007

Too Good to be True...???

There is pessimistic saying, "If it's too good to be true, then it probably is."
Well since I have not always been so lucky with life, I have always believed that. Especially with men. I don't have high expectations for them. Men, whether it be boyfriends or my father, have always let me down in life. But now there is one person, that has met all my expectations, and not only that he has exceeded them. For me he has gone over and beyond all my expectations. He literally has been the first man, besides my papi, who has never disappointed me. So far so good. Every day I see him i continue to fall more in love with him. The one thing I swore I would never do again. But of course all this scares me and its almost like i refuse to believe that its as good as it seems. So, i always try to find things that aren't there, to prove to myself that he is just like every other guy. I keep proving myself wrong over and over again. Lately I've been doing alot of arguing and for what? So that i lose an amazing guy? Because that is what im doing, pushing him away until i lose him for good. I need to stop doubting him and myself. I need to believe in him. He's told me "When you find someone good, you treat them good because you want to hold onto them." That is true. He has been more to me than any other man. I know this sounds corny and cliche, but its all very true. I need to hold onto this man and treat him the way that he deserves to be treated. He deserves someone who will love him, and care about him and trust him. I want to be that someone. But i do need to get my act together, otherwise i WILL lose him.
I love you. You are everything to me. I would do anything to not lose you. I want to have you by my side. Just give me a little time. Please don't give up on us, our relationship is worth it, I promise.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

The Window to your Soul


The most vulnerable part of your body are your eyes. Your eyes are the window to your soul. Letting someone look into your eyes is like allowing that person to know all your deepest and darkest secrets. Your eyes can be your worst enemy because they give you away. Your mouth might be saying something but your eyes are telling a different story. Your eyes never lie.
There is alot of emotion in your eyes. You can tell how a person is feeling through their eyes without looking at the rest of their face. You can see pain, anger, and hurt. You can see sympathy, happiness, playfulness. You can even see someone asking for help through their eyes. Your eyes show exactly how you are feeling at exactly that moment.
Eyes make a person who they are. Eyes can be inviting. Eyes make a person mysterious and interesting. Your eyes are the most intriguing part of you. Take care of them well. And be careful who you share them with.

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Taking For Granted

When you have been with a person for a while you start taking them for granted. It doesn't have to be a year or even 6 months, it can be less than that when you begin to take someone for granted. In my last serious relationship, I...well...we began taking each other for granted a few months after we began dating.
It seems that when you take someone for granted you began to lose appreciation for that person and the things that they do for you then things begin to go sour and downhill. You stop doing those special little things that you used to do in the beginning. You begin to get a bit unhappy and the fights begin. "Why can't you do something special for once?" or "You never do anything for me anymore."
This is why it is important to never ever take anything or anyone for granted. Always remind youself how special that person is to you and how lucky you both are to be in each other's life. And notice the little things they do to show how much they care about you. This is not just a one-sided thing. Both people involved in the relationship must do this.
I refuse to take that special person in my life right now for granted. I have learned through trial and error to appreciate things more.

Thursday, December 14, 2006

Taking Time

When you see a person everyday, you get used to seeing them everyday. So when you don't see that person for a day or two, its not a very good feeling. You might question why they don't want to see you. You might get hurt, or feel a little offended. But what you have to remember is that everyone needs a little time to themselves. Plus its very crucial in a relationship to spend some time apart. Of course it's going to bother you. You feel rejected by the person that you most care about, but try to keep an open mind. You want your significant other to be able to spend a night out with his/her friends, without him feeling bad. How would you feel if you were in the same situation? Just remember that just because he/she needs a night to himself/herself doesn't mean he/she doesn't care about or love you anymore.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Thanksgiving

So I'm at the gate sitting on the floor right now as i write. I'm waiting to get on my 9:40 flight to Arizona. My home sweet home! Julio dropped me off and told me to come back home and not forget about him. That to me is sweet. We're doing really good, I'm really happy. So I'm going home to spend the Thanksgiving Holiday with Monica and her family. It will be alot of fun. Everyone is anxious to see me. Also, I will get to see Moni's grandmother for once last time. She's dying of cancer and will probably pass on soon. Anyways, the plane is starting to board but I figured I should blog about this since I'm soooo excited. Happy Thanksgiving

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Irritated By My Past

I tried a couple of times to give my ex a chance of us being on good terms. The few recent times that we communicated it was on Myspace. Both times we got in a fight. I just can't comprehend how someone gets in a fight over Myspace, but we managed it...twice. So after that i decided to no longer attempt at any sort of friendship. He lives his life and I live mine.
well today when I went on Myspace I found someone had written me a blog comment. Excited to see who left me a comment I click the link and this is what i see.....


"Well, it seems you're doing well for yourself. I'm extatic to hear it! I was worried about you cause you never messaged me back last time we chatted. But I'm glad to hear you patched things up with your friend and you've found someone special. I hate it here but the only things that keep me from dangling from my ceiling fan are Rachael, money and raves.
Don't be down on yourself, both people change when a relationship sours and if you keep that mind state, the next one's gonna suck too. Don't be offended, but it seemed as though you felt life was only complete when you had a companion. I don't know how many interests you've had since I saw you last so I can't really say for sure, it is just what I felt. It seems you've learned that you don't need anyone to be complete, but if someone nice comes along randomly, then what the hell, right?
I have a friend in your old area, so out of curiosity, I drove by your house and was surprised to see the van there. Do you still own the place?
We're both doing swell so let's keep it that way! I wish you the best of luck with your new life. Tell your dad and brother/sisters I said hi if you wish. And when you happen to mozy back this way, I'd be honored to hear from you. Rach and I would be more than happy to take you and your man out to eat or do something fun. Well, we're off to happy hour at Zen!

- Your Favorite "Deadbeat Loser" "


I can't belive he sends me this after the huge fight we got in. Does he not understand that we cannot work anything out. All we do is fight. And I dont want any part of that.
The comment of me not being complete without a companion is total bullshit. I dated alot of guys because it was fun and I was single. And those interests only lasted about a month. It saddens me to know that still Adam does not know me, even after everything we went through together. It also bugged me when he said that him and Rach would love to take me and Julio out to eat. I dont know why but it just bugged me. And it made me kinda sad when he said that they were off to Zen. Zen is a sushi bar that we used to go to every friday night also. It made me sad because that place has meaning to me. that was our place, and now he's taking his new girlfriend to our special place full of memories. I don't have feelings for him, I just think that Zen would always be our special place. Zen would be the place that when we showed up for whatever reason, we would think of each other and the memories we shared.

Monday, October 30, 2006

Progress

Things are going well for me. My best friend and I fixed our issues. Im relaxed and have time to do alot more things. Somehow Im able to juggle more things and not be as stressed as I used to be back home. Julio and I are becoming closer. Last night we were talking and he asked me where I thought I would be in a year. I gave him my answer and I asked him the same question in return. He told me that his mom and sister would be down here with him and that we would still be together and happy, whether I wanted to believe it or not. Things are taking a little time and sometimes I get a little frustrated, but my patience is paying off. Everyday he gets closer to me and he shows it.
There is defenitely room for improvement in my life bbut things are good and I can't complain.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

A Thought

Since I met him, as I have already said, I have some very strong feelings for him. I hate feeling like this but I can't shake it off. The sad thing is I know he doesn't feel the same way. I also know that this is going to be the guy that really hurts me. But I'm still going to take a chance despite it all. I'm just going to have to be careful and have an open mind. Just go with the flow right now and if later certain things do not change and they truly are an issue for me then I will have to talk about it with him and probably separate myself from him. The other sad thing is that there is another guy who really is great and have a lot in common as well. He is someone who would do all the things this one won't. He has strong feelings for me. And I really wish I had them for him as well. But right now my heart is yearning for the one who will tear it into pieces. I must accept this fate tho, I have hurt many guys who have not deserved it only for revenge against Adam. And just like Erick must pay the price with karma, I will have to do the same. The time for me to pay has come and I need to be prepared for it because I fear it will be very painful for me

Karma

When I lived in AZ there was this guy Erick that I was kinda seeing. I didn't really like him but he was alright. In the end he was so annoying and constantly got on my nerves and I was so mean to him. He always came back and kept telling me he liked me so much. Two weeks into it he tells me he loves me. WHATEVER! Anyways I figured I only had to deal with him for a couple more weeks because I was moving to a different state. After I moved out here to Vegas I told him I didn't have time for him and to leave me alone. He kept bothering me by calling and sending stupid text messages. Yesterday he kept calling and texting, it drove me nuts.
I was at school yesterday at around 3 when I got a message from a woman named, Rosemary. Her message said that she had seen some texts on her husband Erick's phone and wanted to know what was going on, to please call her. I thought she was nuts and I knew it wasn't the same Erick but since she was nice I decided to call her to put her out of her doubt. So I left her a message telling her I knew an Erick but it wasn't the same one. Finally at around 5 we were able to actually speak with each other. She said that some of the texts were from him to me saying "Porque no me contestas?" which means "why don't you answer me?". At that exact moment I knew it was him. The fucken asshole was MARRIED! I didn't care because I didn't give two shits about him and I was using him but I was pissed because he cheated on his wife with me! I was the homewrecker.
So I had to tell her everything that happened and he was in the car listening to the whole thing. I told her I had no idea he was married, that if I had know this would have never happened. I have a great deal of respect for women and relationships and I would never ever do something like that. She told me it was ok that he had done that to her before. You know what makes me sad about all of this? That she's so stupid because she's never going to leave him.
This is where I believe karma takes care of everything. He's getting sent back to Mexico. This is exactly was he was scared of and had been dreading. He got what he deserved. And what's more funny is that while he was treating his wife like shit, I was treating him like shit and I know he was so miserable.
Gotta love karma
I just can't believe he was married. How could he do that to his wife? I was so angry all day yesterday. it's just so mind numbing to me. Also because I had never been in a situation like that. I know I have no fault in this but I still can help it. I'm so mad and shocked all at the same time.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Feelings


I haven't felt this way since Adam. This is the first time in a long time that I have felt these feelings resurfacing. I didn't think that I would ever feel like this again, at least not for a long time. Its been a long time that someone has come around that I actually really like. I keep trying to do homework but I keep getting distracted thinking about him. I'm afraid I might be falling for him. A couple of days ago he kissed me. It was such a passionate kiss. It was amazing. He was so polite to. He wasn't trying to grope me or anything. He didn't try anything all he did was kiss me and hold me. I've never had a guy like that. I'm so taken by him.
We have a lot in common. We share a lot of the same views in life. I think this is what I have been looking for.
I haven't wanted a boyfriend because no one has been worth it to me and mainly because I just don't think I'm ready yet for another serious relationship. But I do want someone there. Not for sex but someone that I like and feel comfortable with. I guess, I don't want a boyfriend but at the same time I want someone that kind of is. We talked last night about all these issues. We got it all out there. He told me he liked me and wanted to continue being with me but he wasn't ready yet for a serious committed relationship and I told him that I already knew that and was fine with it. But there was not going to be any sex. I told him I wasn't like that. He didn't have a problem with that at all and told me he respected me. I told him I was just going to go with the flow and whatever happened, happened. He agreed with me and said that's what he was going to do as well. I think this is going to work out just fine. We get to be with each other but we still get to live our lives how we want and not be tied down. I'm not sure if what I wrote makes any sense or sounds dysfunctional but it works out for both of us and I think that's all that matters. Sometimes you can't help who you like but you might not be ready to give up who you are. That might sound selfish, yes, but if you can find someone that feels how you do then that's great.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Clashing Personalities

So i just moved to vegas about a month and a half ago and until recently I was depressed because I didnt know anyone out here. I moved out here from AZ. I got a job at this great Cuban restaurant. I love everyone that I work with...well almost. I've started making friends at work, and I love them. They're great people. There is just one person that is a bit difficult. My manager. He's a cool guy but I think we have the same personalities so therefore we are always clashing. I just want to be able to get along and not argue. Its tiresome. It's difficult because he's so contradicting of himself. First he'll tell me to stop talking and do some work (always when the restaurant is empty and there is nothing to do) then when there is actually work that needs to get done and im hustlin' , he tells me to sit down, relax, and let the bussers take care of it because it's their job. Then tonight he asks me why im always staring at him? That its annoying. WHAT THE FUCK? Is he crazy? I told him I wasn't and I dont, that I was looking around because I was waiting for my food. He's insisting that im staring at him, so I just told him "Look, im not staring at you, im just looking around, im sorry if it seems like I am". I dont understand him, he's either bipolar or he's constantly stressed (which I dont blame him, because he's the only manager and works all day, 7 days a week). I just want to be able to stop all this. I love where I work and what I do and I get amazing tips! But I hate the bickering!
What should i do? What's more important to me? What do i want to deal with? Lately i just leave work all depressed and wanting to cry because of this issue. He's not just like that with me, he's like that with just about everyone..but there are certain that he gets on my case about that he sees the other servers doing and doesnt say a single thing. Its not that i want to please him but i dont want to keep whatever it is going on. I know I shouldn't take it personal because that's how he is but it's hard not to. I feel like nothing I do is good enough. I feel incompetent.